An alternative title for this blog might have been 'Seeking My Truth about Jesus'. This is really what keeps me up at night, wondering. My entire life I have believed that Christ Jesus is God incarnate, come down from heaven above to rectify my soul and wipe my sins away so that I might be worthy to stand before God. A bodily resurrection was the living proof that Jesus had conquered sin and through him even I could be saved. And I was comforted by this.
So now that I'm coming to believe in a God that is all loving I no longer believe I need to be saved from eternal damnation. But I still need to be comforted. At first this wasn't really a problem. I still saw Jesus as the Light, or the enLIGHTened one who was my perfect role model. The one I strive to emulate in all that I do but not someone I must accept OR ELSE. I was okay with this new view, felt pretty good about it actually. Until Christmas.
It really struck me that things were different when I was driving alone one evening and "Silent Night" came on the radio. When it got to the 'round yon virgin' part I had to pull over because I was crying, wondering where my new beliefs fit in with my old traditions. That was a difficult night and to be honest a difficult Christmas. I enjoyed the secular parts of the holiday but found myself walling off all of the religious aspects of it- I was feeling deflated and defeated and it was simply easier to pretend it didn't matter so that's what I did. I put many of those feelings aside after Christmas, unsure of how to resolve them or what to do with them but Easter has brought it all screaming forward again. I realize now that I can't keep ignoring this. I have to sort through the myth and the man and find a way to figure out what I believe about him.
I've started the journey with Marcus Borg's The First Christmas. For now I'm just trying to be open as I read it, let the words wash over me without trying to analyze just yet. I can already feel something shifting.
What am I seeking?
The short answer is, my truth. Not the truth, MY truth.
Over the last several years I've been coming to terms with the questions and doubts I've had with the 'gospel truth' pounded into me by the fundamentalist church. I grew up an odd mix of Southern Baptist and Pentacostal- washed in the blood and afraid of fire and brimstone at the same time. I went to bible school and Sunday school and always felt like a good girl when I could tell my grandmother I'd gone to church during our weekly phone calls. I liked the people, like the fun activities and as a child the inconsistencies didn't bother me- probably because it just never occured to me to question the authority of church leaders. Also because I didn't fully comprehend them.
But now I do understand- I understand that what I believe in the deepest part of myself can't coexist with what I was taught I should believe. I realize now that when I was arranging my own transportation to church as a little girl it was about more than pleasing my grandmother. I have always been a seeker and now I'm broadening the search.
Over the last several years I've been coming to terms with the questions and doubts I've had with the 'gospel truth' pounded into me by the fundamentalist church. I grew up an odd mix of Southern Baptist and Pentacostal- washed in the blood and afraid of fire and brimstone at the same time. I went to bible school and Sunday school and always felt like a good girl when I could tell my grandmother I'd gone to church during our weekly phone calls. I liked the people, like the fun activities and as a child the inconsistencies didn't bother me- probably because it just never occured to me to question the authority of church leaders. Also because I didn't fully comprehend them.
But now I do understand- I understand that what I believe in the deepest part of myself can't coexist with what I was taught I should believe. I realize now that when I was arranging my own transportation to church as a little girl it was about more than pleasing my grandmother. I have always been a seeker and now I'm broadening the search.
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