An alternative title for this blog might have been 'Seeking My Truth about Jesus'. This is really what keeps me up at night, wondering. My entire life I have believed that Christ Jesus is God incarnate, come down from heaven above to rectify my soul and wipe my sins away so that I might be worthy to stand before God. A bodily resurrection was the living proof that Jesus had conquered sin and through him even I could be saved. And I was comforted by this.
So now that I'm coming to believe in a God that is all loving I no longer believe I need to be saved from eternal damnation. But I still need to be comforted. At first this wasn't really a problem. I still saw Jesus as the Light, or the enLIGHTened one who was my perfect role model. The one I strive to emulate in all that I do but not someone I must accept OR ELSE. I was okay with this new view, felt pretty good about it actually. Until Christmas.
It really struck me that things were different when I was driving alone one evening and "Silent Night" came on the radio. When it got to the 'round yon virgin' part I had to pull over because I was crying, wondering where my new beliefs fit in with my old traditions. That was a difficult night and to be honest a difficult Christmas. I enjoyed the secular parts of the holiday but found myself walling off all of the religious aspects of it- I was feeling deflated and defeated and it was simply easier to pretend it didn't matter so that's what I did. I put many of those feelings aside after Christmas, unsure of how to resolve them or what to do with them but Easter has brought it all screaming forward again. I realize now that I can't keep ignoring this. I have to sort through the myth and the man and find a way to figure out what I believe about him.
I've started the journey with Marcus Borg's The First Christmas. For now I'm just trying to be open as I read it, let the words wash over me without trying to analyze just yet. I can already feel something shifting.